If you’ve been through a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, you may have heard yourself say “I know I should be over it by now.” I hear this so often from women in my clinic, and it breaks my heart every time.
Pregnancy loss is far more common than most people realise. Yet the grief that comes with it is often misunderstood, sometimes even by the people closest to you. That can leave you feeling very alone.
In this episode I sit down with Narelle Dickinson, reproductive psychologist, fertility counsellor and director of Lotus Health and Psychology in Brisbane. Narelle has more than 30 years of experience supporting women and couples through loss. We talk about what grief after pregnancy loss really looks like and why you never need to be “over it.” She also shares gentle, practical ways to care for yourself, your relationship and your heart, including if you go on to fall pregnant again.
If this conversation brings up feelings you’ve been holding together, that’s okay. Please take it at your own pace.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- [01:10] Why pregnancy loss is “disenfranchised grief”: the loss is under-acknowledged, and you’re grieving a whole lifetime of imagined moments, not just a pregnancy.
- [04:14] Acknowledging rather than accepting: why Narelle prefers to talk about acknowledging a loss and finding a way to keep living.
- [05:58] The first days and weeks: getting through the shock, letting your body recover, and why the urgent “what next?” can wait.
- [08:41] Taking the “shoulds” off yourself: whether the pregnancy was planned or a surprise, and whether it lasted six months or six minutes, the loss is real.
- [10:06] Going back to work: how a trusted colleague can act as your “gatekeeper”, and how to let people know what you do and don’t want to talk about.
- [13:32] When people say the wrong thing: handling the “at least” comments, and how to validate your own grief.
- [15:31] When partners grieve differently: why the non-carrying partner may seem to “recover” faster, and why being “her rock” isn’t always what she needs.
- [18:41] Guilt, shame and “what did I do wrong?”: why loss is so rarely caused by anything you did, and why embryo health involves both partners equally.
- [20:41] Social media, the algorithm and Dr Google: the one time Narelle says a little avoidance is healthy.
- [24:43] Pausing before your next step: why taking time to stop and process means moving forward, not backward.
- [26:34] Due dates, anniversaries and milestones: why the lead-up is often harder than the day, and why you might need to ask for the support you want.
- [29:48] Honouring your baby: a patient’s memorial garden, candles, stars, and including your children in the family story.
- [36:27] Pregnancy after loss: the anxiety, delayed attachment, the psychology strategy of “chunking”, and why constant reassurance-seeking can backfire.
- [41:00] Allowing yourself to hope: why protecting your heart from hope doesn’t protect you from hurt.
Key takeaways
- There’s no timeline on grief. It ebbs and flows, and that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
- Let people love you the way they know how. If they can’t sit with you while you cry but they’ll cook you dinner, let them.
- Ask for what you need. Loved ones may forget a due date or anniversary not because they don’t care, but because they didn’t carry the baby in their body.
- Protect yourself from re-traumatising content. Mute, block or step away from social media and forums for a while.
- Take it chunk by chunk. In a pregnancy after loss, focus on the next week, scan or appointment, not the whole nine months.
- You don’t have to do this alone. Support from a psychologist or counsellor can make a real difference.
You can reach out to Narelle at Lotus Health and Psychology